The hour in America was 2AM.
CNN was flipping back and forth between calling Arizona for Trump and calling Arizona for Biden. MSNBC was so determined to get it right, they were flipping back and forth between saying it was too close to call and it was too soon to call. So I turned to Fox, looking for answers only to discover they were calling the election for Trump by airing an episode of “The Media Is The Enemy Of The People.”
It was terrifying mostly because I was sleep deprived. Looking back, the programming was predictable, painfully dull, a table of Ugly White People dressed for a bris.
All of the networks announced Trump would speak soon, there were more flags than I could count decorating a small stage in The White House surrounded by the president’s crowd du jour: Adoring White People Without Masks. Finally, after a night of too many disappointments to name, Trump took the stage.
Trump’s 2AM Tantrum will go down in history as a glimpse into personal humiliation, the moment when the high of hubris stops sending dopamine to the pleasure receptors in the cerebellum and a frail human being standing at the podium of ultimate power slips into the earliest stages of withdrawal.
Congratulations, President-Elect Biden.
You won more votes than any other candidate in the history of America. Take. That. In. You ascend to the presidency at a time when The Blue Wave was exposed as a Blue Puddle. The people who voted for you want a change of tone, something more uplifting, hopeful. But we’re not naive. The people who voted against you are hooked on antagonism. When they go low, don’t be above going lower. That’s simply the language they speak.
The Supreme Court will be used to test your resolve, don’t fall for the Gore Playbook where you make a forgettable speech, bow out and turn the country over to maniacs. You won! Take. That. In. Do not allow the parade of robes and gavels to intimidate you, see it for what it is: a costume party where you have the power to turn on the lights and send everyone home because you have a busy day tomorrow getting ready for The Oval Office.
Mitch McConnell is a criminal, treat him as such. Lindsey Graham is a national embarrassment, treat him as such. Bernie Sanders is the true voice of the moment, treat him as such. AOC is the true North Star, stay in orbit of her radiance, allow her to be your guiding light. She’s dazzling.
Build Back Better.
I have to be honest, I have no idea what in the Hell that means. It sounds like something assembled in the purgatory of a thousand miserable focus groups. Drop it. Stop trying to make everyone happy, all it does is make you sound like a politician and even though I know that’s exactly what you are, if you learn anything from Donald Trump it’s this: turn off the teleprompter, step into the moment, don’t run away from the emotion of the job because that’s what we’re all tuning in for and never forget part of your job is to be the star of the show. Nobody was better than Trump in understanding the power of the role, but at the same time, he was a prisoner of the spotlight, intoxicated by the attention.
The Left is not ready to forgive The Right. Anyone who tells you that it’s your job to unify the country is hooked on Hopium, send them kite surfing with Barack Obama and Richard Branson.
Get control of COVID-19. Treat climate change like an existential threat. Put Neil, Brett and Amy in a SCOUTS Time Out. Fix the courts. Reunite children with their families and then use those cages for the Trump Crime Family. Invite Merrick Garland to the White House and tell him you won’t rest until the damage done to him is made right. Govern like you’re haunted by George Floyd. Govern like you’re haunted by Breonna Taylor. Govern like you’re haunted by the children of Sandy Hook. Hold a cannabis convention in the Rose Garden, get high with Woody Harrelson and bring imagination back to those God Awful Hedges. Bring sexy back. Bring back the Fairness Doctrine. Tell Roger Goodell he has 24 hours to make Colin Kaepernick whole, to pay him for lost wages, to give him a team, to apologize publicly for the unforgivable racist abuse of stealing his livelihood. Dance with Kamala in the rain.
Congratulations, President-Elect Biden. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to sleep-off this Election Night Hangover.